I struggled if I should write this post. My Mother is fighting for her life. And I am scrambling to make sense of this. I figured, putting these words down, will help me gain the right focus.
Up until now, I have been blessed enough not to face a direct tragedy in my adult life (and that is a great blessing.). I faced darkness, I faced evil. But I didn’t face great loss.
Not more than a month ago, a Friend, a Mentor; my Grandfather passed away. Yet, that was expected. He was 94, he was ready, we were somewhat prepared (although you never are truly prepared for the passing of a loved one).
But then, less than three weeks after my Grandpa’s funeral we got the news. Mum’s in hospital. She was struck by a ruptured aneurysm. That’s bad.
Next day she has undergone brain surgery. There were serious problems, quoting doctor; “Surgeon’s nightmare”. Since then my Mother is in a coma.
Maybe after almost two years of caring for Granpa, her organism gave up. Maybe if she would take better care of herself, instead of sacrificing every moment of her time for the sake of the others it would have been different. Maybe it just happened and there was no reason. Bad things happen. It is wrong. It is messed up. But it’s a reality I need to face.
I need to face this when answering my son’s questions on where is Grandma, and when is he going to see her. I have to face this, when standing next to her bed, saying words of encouragement, which she might not hear at all.
It is easy to fall into the trap in these moments. The trap of extensive thoughts, the temptation of “playing God”, of trying to foresee the future. It is easy to succumb to fear. And that fear was preventing me to have hope. Because to have hope meant to face the possibility of becoming terribly disappointed.
I wanted to be ready for anything, but I realized, I can’t. You can’t be ready for something like that. God’s plan for our lives is bigger than anything we can possibly comprehend. So you can’t plan for it. What you can do is trust.
And so I seek hope. And I pray.
Then I get to remember, that my Mum still fights. I am thankful for her every breath, for every moment, past and present that I get to spend with her and with my loved ones.
I am grateful for what I received from God, like was I never before in my entire life.
In one of the most important books, I have read so far, I found this thought “Life is a tragedy tainted by malevolence. Yet, despite that fact, there is something about the human spirit, that thrives precisely under those conditions. As difficult as life is, our capacity to deal with and transcend suffering is more powerful than that reality”.
That is the paradox, I realized. In dark times like this, we ought to thrive, we ought to bring the best from us. It is time to look around with gratitude. To cherish and make the most of every moment. Do not waste time. Do not take anything for granted.
It sounds so trivial, yet in truth, the gravity of this becomes apparent only once we are faced with the fragility of life. I look around me. And I seek the Light. Some say it’s easiest to spot when it perpetuates the darkness. One day can shatter the world. But our spirit can be shattered only if we let it.
So I pray. My Mum needs that prayer.
In all this, I know I am not alone. We are Family, Friends that stand together in face of the tragedy. I am thankful to have my Wife, my Children, my Brother, by my side, they are the radiant beacons of hope. And I recognize my duty, as Son to stand by my Father, and be an encouragement to Him.
And I am thankful for every single word, of encouragement from my Friends. And I ask for more; please pray with us. Our God is God of miracles.
Let Holy Spirit ignite us in that prayer, let Life prevail.
My Lord, Jesus, please heal my Mother.